I saw some seagulls strolling across some freshly poured concrete today. Seemingly mocking the nearby construction workers trying in vain to shoo them away, unable to get within a threatening distance because of the same wet cement they were trying to protect. It was at this point that I realized how gangsta New York birds are.
I've always been against the notion that one is a product of their environment; I refuse to believe that my surroundings could somehow define me. But birds around here just don't give a hoot, pardon my french. And the only way to explain such odd behavior is that they are evolving to become closer to the average New Yorker: conceited, overweight, and angry at the world.
I work right on the shore of the East River, and so there are prone to be quite a few water fowl around, when in season. I remember the days when birds were mindful of potential threats. Yet in the past year I've walked right up to geese, sometimes feigning as much hostility as I can muster, and all I'm rewarded with is a sidewards glance. At times I'm certain they're expressions contain a mix of pity and disgust. Another time I may have gotten too close to some ganders girl, because all of sudden he rolls up on me, gives me the once over and stares me down. You know how in some freaky way you could see Tim Allen's face in the dog in the Shaggy Dog? Well I know for a fact I saw the Game's visage in this goose. Needless to say I hightailed it outta there.
I've seen a seagull take a pepperoni off of a slice of pizza and take a dump on the remaining cheese in one fell swoop. And not a slice in the trash or held out as an offering. No, in a grown man's hand. A soon to be angry man. As it flew away I could see "thug life" tattooed on its belly. At least I think I did; it was sunny that day.
I've seen a pigeon perch on the hood of a stroller and crap on a baby. Things are getting out of control, fast.
It's also at times like these where I just can't fathom how a scarecrow can even remotely perform its desired function. Are birds out west really that slow? Do they not realize that this supposedly imposing figure hasn't moved at all in 3 months? Maybe it's just another example of that subject-setting connection...
1 comment:
Haha. I want to see a pigeon crap on a baby, that would be great.
I am sure scarecrows never really worked to begin with. That's why you always see crows perched on them. What does work though, is to wait until a few are on the scarecrow, then shoot at them with a shotgun. Teaches them to fear the scarecrow.
But then again, people out in the midwest are not that smart, so maybe the birds are just as dumb.
It's great that we let Iowa decide who will be president...
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